The Princess Ranma
by Mad Bomber
Summary: A very silly little Ranma/The Princess Bride crossover
1. Prologue

The Princess Ranma Chapter 01 "Prologue" by CA Bowen.  
  
--------------- Disclaimer - Ranma 1/2 is created/owned by Rumiko Takahashi. The Princess Bride was written by William Gibson. ---------------  
  
*Grandpa, will you read me a bedtime story?*  
  
*Just one second, sonny boy. I'm trying to get your telescope to work right.*  
  
*Grandpa, the lady next door won't be home for another hour.*  
  
*Right! Storytime it is. Now what would you like?*  
  
*Something with action, excitement, pirates, and... and...*  
  
*And what?*  
  
*Lots of Martial Arts!*  
  
*Okay, no problem. Once Upon a Time...*  
  
*Grandpa, there better not be any kissing or stuff like that.*  
  
*Fine. Once Upon...*  
  
*And promise there'll be no hanky-panky. Mom keeps washing my mouth out with soap afterwards.*  
  
*I promise. Anything else? Okay. Once upon a time...  
  
On a small farm, just outside of the Kingdom of Nerima, there lived the most beautif-- An enchantin-- A lovel- Umm, a... short haired young woman named Akane. She and her family lived on the farm, and were the masters of Martial Arts Farming, which was the inspiration to farmers for miles around. Of course, the cows didn't really like it, but what do they know?  
  
Also living on the farm was the family's handyman, Ranma. Now, being the apple of her father's eye, Akane looked down on poor Ranma, forcing him to do the most menial and degrading of jobs. "Ranma!", she would order him, "Go fetch the eggs from our ninja chickens." Or, "Ranma! Go and milk the sumo cows." Or, "Ranma! Go and shear the sheep."  
  
*Wait, Grandpa, don't you mean Sheep of Death, or something like that?*  
  
*'Sheep of Death'? You've been reading too many comic books. 'Sheep of Death' indeed.*  
  
And yet, no matter what horrible, slimy, disgusting job she would assign him, all Ranma would calmly say was, "Meh, ya stupid, uncute tomboy." At which point Akane would whack him with a mallet.  
  
But, as the days rolled past, Akane soon realized that when Ranma was saying, "Ya stupid uncute tomboy," what he really meant was, "I love yo-"  
  
"What?!? No, it's not true! No no no no no!!!!"  
  
*Pipe down Ranma. I'm the one telling this story.*  
  
*Uh, grandpa. Who are you talking to?*  
  
Anyway, when Ranma said "Stupid tomboy," he meant, "I love you." And Akane soon realized that, when she hit him with her mallet, what she meant was, "I love you, too."  
  
And so, in order to provide for his daughter's happiness, (and to bypass certain inheritance tax laws) Akane's father decided that Akane and Ranma were to be married. And after that was to be the honeymoon, with a whole lot of rumpa-rumpa wooooo-hoooo nookie-nook-  
  
*Grandpa! You promised.*  
  
*sigh You never let me have any fun.*  
  
But, before they could get down to doin' the horizontal hokey-pokey-  
  
*Grandpa!*  
  
But first, it was decided that Ranma would go on a training journey to China, in order to earn his fortune. Because, love or not, Akane wasn't going to marry some penniless bum.  
  
--------------  
  
As the days turned into weeks, and into months, Akane grew sad at not being able to see Ranma, or hear his voice, or whack him with her mallet. Of course, she could still whack the cows all she wanted, but it just wasn't the same. That's not to say she didn't still whack them, but her heart wasn't really into it.  
  
And when, at last, the day Ranma was to return to her came, she was waiting in their dojo/barn, staring out the window for the first glimpse of him. But he never came.  
  
He didn't come the next day, either.  
  
Or the day after that.  
  
Or the day after that.  
  
Of course, a martial artist farmboy could be delayed for any number of reasons. Which was why Akane wasn't worried at all, and went about her chores with a smile on her face, laughter in her heart, and a cry of "Ranma, you jerk!" as she whacked cows with her mallet.  
  
But, upon the day the news was brought to her, that Ranma's ship home had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Ranko, who left no survivors, she hung-  
  
*Wait, grandpa. If the Dread Pirate Ranko leaves no survivors, how did they know it was him that attacked Ranma's ship?*  
  
*Kid, do you want to hear this story or not?*  
  
*Well, I don't know....*  
  
*I could always tell the one about the three naughty nurses at the cheerleader convention.*  
  
*No! This story's fine! I'm shutting up now!*  
  
But, when she heard the news that Ranma's ship had been attacked by the Dread Pirate Ranko, who left no survivors, she hung up her mallet and proclaimed, "I'll never mallet whack again."  
  
And there was much rejoicing in the cow pasture. 


	2. Meet the Peasants

The Princess Ranma Chapter 02 "Meet the Peasants" by CA Bowen  
  
Years passed, and people grew older. So did the cows, but no one really cares about that.  
  
In the Kingdom of Nerima a proclamation was sent out to the people. Their Prince had chosen a suitor. It was rumored that she was lovely beyond all belief, demure in all her dealings, wise beyond her years, and had an innate goodness that inspired all who met her.  
  
And all the peoples of the kingdom replied, "Yeah, right. Pull the other one, it's got bells on it."  
  
So the beloved King and Queen invited their people to see for themselves. A Royal Celebration was to be held, with feasting, and revelry, and mimes that could be hit with sticks for just a small fee.  
  
And all the peasants of the land put on their best suit of grubby peasant clothes, and came on down. The cows were invited, too, which they felt made up for quite a lot. Unfortunately, they were not informed about exactly what role they were to play in the celebration, and were quite shocked upon finding out what the main course of the whole 'feasting' gig was to be.  
  
*Grandpa, what's this fascination with the cows' reactions to everything.*  
  
*sinff, sniff Your grandma put me on a diet, for some reason. I'm just a little hungry.*  
  
*Well, you are a bit pudgy...*  
  
*That's it. Time for a limerick. There once was a woman from Carolina...*  
  
*Grandpa, there's a box of cookies in the second drawer!*  
  
*scarf, munch munch Mmmm. Oreo goodness. Anyway, where was I...*  
  
As the crowd gathered in the castle's courtyard, a cry started to arise. A sort of spontaneous cheer that always seems to arise from the throats of those who are packed tightly together, while filled with the seared meat of disgruntled cows. A chant that was soon taken up by more and more of the crowd, until it was finally overwhelming... "Show us your boobs!!!!"  
  
*Grandpa!*  
  
*Sorry. Say, has an hour passed yet?*  
  
*No! Now get on with the story, or I'll tell grandma about the oreos.*  
  
*grumble grumble Ya ungateful little-*  
  
*Yes?*  
  
A cry went up, calling for the beloved King and Queen to appear. And finally, when it seemed like they would never come out, a figure emerged from the doors. His golden crown caught the rays of the sum, sparkling down onto the crowd. The crowd held their collective breath, waiting for their King to utter his first words.  
  
A large sign was held up, proclaiming "Hello, my loyal subjects!"  
  
The crowd made no response. The King looked around, confused. Where was all the cheering and such. He held up another sign. "How's everybody doing?"  
  
Still nothing. He couldn't understand it. A third sign appeared. "Well? I'm waiting!"  
  
Queen Nodoka stepped out of the door to stand next to her husband, the Panda King, her sword held ready in her hands. "Dear, how many times have I told you. They're peasants. They can't read."  
  
King Genma grinned sheepishly, and flashed his wife with an "Oops." sign. The Queen merely shook her head and turned to the assembled throng. "Our loyal subjects, after years of searching, our lost Prince was returned to us." She paused, as the crowd cheered mightily, with only scattered cries of "Show us your boobs." Of course, those who called that out were immediately tackled by the guards and beaten mercilessly. But the peasants were used to that sort of thing, and even those beaten were able to see the humor in the situation, once their ribs had healed.  
  
Anyway, amidst the cheers, the poor, no-longer lost, Prince emerged into the sunlight, to stand blinking next to the Queen, who fingered her sword, and the King, who was on his back, cradling a large tire.  
  
The Prince was a tall and slender young man, with a serious, almost angry look on his face. He wore an immaculately tailored solid grey suit, with his long hair tied in a loose ponytail . Sticking up from behind his back was an ornate sword handle. He smiled graciously at the crowd, and waited for the cheering and beatings to subside before he spoke.  
  
"My fellow Nerimians, it was a proud day when I was reunited with my parents, the King and Queen. But now an even prouder day has come upon us. In just a few weeks will come a great anniversary for our land. The five hundreth anniversary of... um... something or another. Anyway, on that date I will be marrying a beauti- a short-haired young lady who was once a peasant like yourselves. I present to you, the Princess Akane!  
  
As Akane, dressed in a rich Shakespearean-style dress, stepped out onto the balcony, murmers ran through the throng.  
  
"Akane?" "Hey, I've heard of her." "Yeah. Isn't she the one who was always whacking the cows with her mallet?" "Hey, I've eaten some of that beef." "That was the most tender and moist steak I've ever had." "Let's hear it for Akane!"  
  
And soon the murmers turned into a shout. One voice cried out, "Three cheers for Princess Akane and her moist, tender-," before he was tackled and beaten. But the rest picked up the cry. "Hip Hip.. HOOORAY! Hip Hip... HOORAY! Hip Hip... HOORAY!"  
  
Surprisingly, no one shouted out "Show us your boobs!" Funny, that. 


	3. Kidnapping

Princess Akane was bored. Bored, bored, bored!  
  
Sure, being a Princess sounded like an incredible thing. Pretty dresses, servants to wait on you hand and foot, limited interations with those of a cowlike countenance, and a Princely husband-to-be who was (well, according to his mother, at least) a true "Prince Among Men." Plus, she was going to be Queen one day, which would really show up that snotty Ukyo from the next farm over. She thought she was just soooo great, just because she managed to make it off the farm by becoming a wandering Okonomiyaki Chef while Akane once blew up the kitchen trying to boil water.  
  
*Mmmm. Okonomiyaki. With fresh yakisoba noodles, and just the right amount of tempura flakes, and...*  
  
*Uhh, Grandpa? You-you're drooling on my stuffed piggy.*  
  
*...oh, yeah. With a side of piping hot ramen and some shashimi and a big bowl of-*  
  
*Grandpa!*  
  
*What? Hey, why's your stuffed piggy wet? You didn't have an 'accident', did you?*  
  
*Ewww, no! Now get on with the story.*  
  
Sure, the Princess gig seemed like a dream come true, but the reality left quite a bit to be desired. Those pretty dresses she'd dreamed about as a child? They itched like nobody's business. Plus, she couldn't even perform a basic kata in them. Those servants? A bunch of ill-mannered perverts, the lot of them. And she couldn't even mallet them when they deserved it, since she'd given that up... a long time ago. The limited interaction with cows? Well she... That is, they... And when... Okay, that one had no downside.  
  
But, being married to a "Prince Among Men"? That meant she had to be a true "Princess Among Women". And being a girly-girl was never very high on her list of priorities. Sewing, needlework, traditional tea ceremonies? What did they think she was, some kind of baka? Although, for some reason, everytime she tried to bring it up to Queen Nodoka, Akane would look her right in the swor- right in the eye, and lose her nerve.  
  
Which was probably why she spent so much time out horseback riding. She was out in the fresh air and sunshine. No worries. No pressures. No perverts and bakas.  
  
And, if she just 'happened' to ride by a cow. And she just 'happened' to be holding a polo mallet in her hand. Well, then no one could really fault her for taking a tiny little swing. Could they? It's not like it was even a real mallet. Sure, they called it a mallet, but where was the wieght, the heft, the power that a REAL mallet had on the backswing? Nowhere, that's where! In fact, once she was Queen, she'd have all the polo mallets renamed as polo... somethings.  
  
No, wait. She had it. They'd be polo-chans. Or P-Chan, for short.  
  
Akane smiled, lost in her daydreams. Which was why she didn't notice the three men who stepped out in front of her horse until after she'd ridden over them.  
  
The leader, a tall dark-haired man in a loose white top and charcoal grey pants held up his wooden sword, and opened his mouth. "Hold, fair maid. For we are but poor ronin, searching for a roof to shelter our heads this night. Pray tell, are there any villages nearby where we might trade our skills for roof over our heads?"  
  
To which Akane would have replied, "Uh, no. This is the middle of the forest. There's no one around for miles." Yes, if the horse hadn't trampled the man down before he'd gotten out the first word, that's how Akane would have replied. Too bad, as the man had had a very sharp and clever comeback ready to use just before they knocked her unconscious and took her back to their boat.  
  
But, as what he'd intended to say came out more like, "Holfgrk ptun blapck. burf fyle perrfin dijorak," absolutely none of that mattered in the slightest.  
  
When Akane heard the horrible noise, and turned her horse around, her first words were, "Oh, you poor man. I hope you are not too gravely injured. My humblest apologies."  
  
*Really, Grandpa? Wow, she's really a nice person, isn't she?*  
  
*Well actually, I was softening up the story for ya, kiddo.*  
  
Actually, her first words after getting off the horse were, "What kind of stupid bakas are you three? I mean, this is a 'horse'. A 'horse' is much bigger and stronger than you, and can trample you under it's hooves without a second thought. Therefore, when you see a 'horse' coming at you, what do you think you should do? Jump out of the way really fast? Nah, that's not necessary. After all, getting trampled is SO much fun."  
  
By this time, the other two men had helped their leader to his feet, and silently faced Akane, giving her their best intimidating stare. Well, the leader and the meadium-sized man with the yellow and black bandana did. The white-robed man, with incredibly thick glasses sitting on his forehead, gave his most intimidating stare to a small tree stump somewhere off to their left. Although, if Akane had been able to see it, (or if the tree stump had eyes) at least one of them would have been intimidated.  
  
Their leeder focused his steely gaze at the girl, and tried once more. "Fleen ref perfannring flonase. Perrfin fligis rooufender?"  
  
"What did he say?" Akane asked the bandana-ed man.  
  
"Probably some clever and witty remark asking if there was any farms or villages around here. He was up all last night practicing it."  
  
"Oh. Well, yeah. There's a medium-sized village about two miles in that direction. Just head that way, and you can't miss it."  
  
The bandana-ed man blinked in surprise, then shrugged. "Okay, thanks." He gathered the wildly grunting man and the one with glasses, and headed off.  
  
Akane watched them start walking into the trees for a moment before realizing. "Hey, wait! You're going the wrong -! Oh well. I guess some people just refuse to accept your help."  
  
She turned to get back on the horse, and was surprised to see them reapproaching from a completely different direction. The leader was gesturing wildly, and pointing back at Akane, while making semi- inarticulate grunts at the others.  
  
The bandana-ed man gave a slight grin. "Sorray about this, but.. uh..." He was prodded at by the leader, "Hold it, fearful maiden. For we are wandering circus performers..." He was whacked across the back of his head by the wooden kendo sword, while the leader grunted. "Oh. I mean, for we are wandering ronin. Not that there's anything wrong with being a circus performer. I mean, Mousse over there used to do this amazing trick with a duck and some throwing knives. At least, until the duck sneezed, and they had to cook it in a nice orange sauce until he was roasted to perfection, and then serve it with some fluffy white rice and..."  
  
*I don't think this has much to do with the story.*  
  
*Forget the story. You got anymore cookies?*  
  
*No story, no cookie!*  
  
*Rotten, little, good-for nothing...*  
  
The bandan-ed man continued, "We are just wandering ronin. Is there a village near here where we could do some work in exchange for some clean underwear."  
  
The leader whcked him with the kendo sword. "Grinch'nge ver voof'ver reds."  
  
"What? In exchange for some roofing contracts?"  
  
"No. Grinch'nge ver voof'ver reds."  
  
"For a quarter pounder with cheese?"  
  
"No! Grin. Ch'nge. Ver. Woof. Ver. Reds."  
  
Mousse turned to face the other two. Well, in a vague way. Sort of.  
  
Anyway, he chimed in. "Ryoga, I think Kuno wants for us to trade our skills for a roof over our heads."  
  
"Gves!!!"  
  
"And a chance to watch 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas'."  
  
Kuno looked for a moment like he wanted to argue the point, but finally just shrugged and nodded.  
  
Akane stared at the three men for a moment before duberously answering. "Yeah. Okay. I told you that there's a village about two miles over that way the last time you asked me. I don't think it's really going to have had time to move itself somewhere else since then."  
  
The leader, Kuno, dramatically raised his sword, struck a dramatic pose and uttered, "Fen feres vovun vusound vou vere hyu creen."  
  
Somewhere, off in the distance, a rather large and ungainly cricket who had been teased throughout his entire cricket life for being much too large for his own good, and 'didn't he think that trying a nice aphid diet and some strenuous pilates to tone up would be a great idea'. Well, that ugly duckling of a cricket proved all the naysayers wrong by filling the silence that followed Kuno's statement with the loudest and most humorous cricket chirp that had ever been heard. Of course, he was squished about five minutes later by a large mallet that fell out of the sky, but at least he died having done something with his life.  
  
In the near silence that followed Kuno's statement, Princess Akane looked from the proudly posing Kuno, to the sheepishly grinning Ryoga, to the back of Mousse's head, then back to Ryoga because he seemed the most coherent (or at least the least incoherent) of the three. "What is he mumbling about?"  
  
Ryoga looked around, trying not to meet her eye. "We're supposed to... That is, we were hired to... Well, you... And the..." He trailed off.  
  
Mousse smirked. Not that any of them could see it. But they could tell from the tone of his voice. "Just knock her unconscious, already. We're being paid to kidnap her, not stutter like a schoolboy. So I'll just knock her out, like this." His wrist flicked in a maneuver too fast for the eye to follow, and a small fuzzy object flashed through the air, designed to knock the Princess into a state of unconsciousness. Of course, all the Beanie Baby really did was smash the tree stump he'd been glaring at, but it was still a pretty good effort.  
  
The Princess Akane glared at them. "Kidnap? You bakas!" A mallet appeared in her hands, and she raised it to knock them all into next week. Or at least a different time zone. She held it aloft, the anticipation building... And building... And building... And...  
  
After a few moments of her standing motionless with the mallet raised above her head, Ryoga turned to Kuno. "Why isn't she moving?"  
  
"Rye front no."  
  
"Should we grab her?"  
  
"Aye finky flood chust..."  
  
Kuno's words were interrupted by the Princess bursting into tears, and throwing the mallet as far away as she could. Said mallet landing on the the cricket mentioned about nine paragraphs ago, right after it won the grand prize in the Regional Chirp-Off, but before it could accept its prize and give a small speech about the dangers of becoming addicted to huffing pesticides. A speech that would have changed the local crickets lives forever, leading to a lower cricket crime rate, and a higher cricket-  
  
*What is the deal with you and wierd side-stories? First it was the cows, now crickets. And you can't even eat them, so why bother mentioning them?* *Who says you can't eat them. Why, I remember once, on a training trip, we met a man who dipped them in a gooey caramel...* *Bleargh! I'm sorry I asked.*  
  
Akane sobbed for a moment, before collapsing onto the ground, unconscious. After carefully prodding her in the side with his kendo sword, Kuno motioned for Ryoga to pick her up and carry her back to their boat. And, after hiking fifteen miles in the wrong direction because the let Ryoga take the lead, they made it.  
  
Kuno unmoored the boat, and they set off onto the stretch of sea between them and the nearest island. As the others made sure the still unconscios Princess was comfortably laid out, he started to give an inspirational speech.  
  
"Rfen rgon vituff, vituff retowing! Fand...  
  
*Grandpa, how long is Kuno going to talk like that?*  
  
*Hey, I'm the storyteller hear. I've got it all planned out. There'll be a lot of humorous misunderstandings between Kuno and the others, until finally he gets into a swordfight with the Dread Pirate Ranko. A fell blow strikes his face, popping the dislocated jaw back into place. He is finally able to speak, but his jubilation is short lived as Ranko ends the fight with a single follow-up blow.*  
  
*That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. His mumbling is really annoying, so change it now.*  
  
*I'm the one telling the story, and I will decide when-*  
  
*Change it now now nownownownownownow-*  
  
Stumbling over a loose floorboard on the deck, Kuno fell onto his face, popping his dislocated jaw back into place, and ending any and all future hilarity that would have ensued from his unitelligible speech. "Such a stroke of luck could only have been a gift from the gods unto such a one as myself. They have clearly bestowed their blessings upon my endeavor."  
  
*There, are you happy now?*  
  
*Yes. Quite.*  
  
*Fine.*  
  
*Fine.*  
  
*Fine.*  
  
*Fine. But no more silliness now, I mean it.*  
  
*Have any peanuts?  
  
*Grandpa!* 


End file.
